• Mood: not so well

trying to be honest with myself..

but it gets hard, because there is so much that is not right with me still, I don't know what's going on much of the time. I've been getting better lately, days where I actually feel like a person on the way to health. Like I might just be okay someday soon. But days like today show me that I'm just not there yet.

It's one of those hormonal days.. my body decided that it can't figure out how to balance its own chemicals properly, or whatever, and I'm just feeling funky like terrible. Like I were experiencing menopause or something.. flashes, sweats, constant discomfort, negative thought spirals and depression, out of control emotions.. it just gets wild, and I don't know how to handle myself most times.

What really upsets me is how I don't even know how I feel. There is so much going on in my body, it's just a mass confusion and I can't really sort things out very well. And it's one of those things that I could probably handle better if I could lay down and let it pass.. but I'm in the middle of working on a long IBM transcript at my job, or something, so relaxation can't happen. Odd days just become worse because I have the spirit-crushing voices of corporate egos expounding they're over-exuberance and flawed logic into my ears. I've taken to only halfway editing these files, when I can get away with it, because I can't stand them. I do all the basic editing things, and if the transcript matches the audio well enough in the first and last quarters, then it's good enough. I don't like cutting corners at my job, but I'm still doing well, and it would help no one for me to completely break down in the office..

Most days have been better. My health really has been improving. I'm just not there yet, and today's a reminder of that. My diet is not perfect, but it has improved a lot, mostly at the expense of my wallet which am trying to mend now.. Sorry, helen99, that I haven't paid the rent yet. I meant to with this paycheck, but it turns out my bank account is rather lower than I thought.. maybe fixing Smurf really did set me behind more than I realized, I don't know. Maybe everything's just been adding up to higher than I realize..

Part of the reason that I'm posting this now is because I've been bottling it up for the past year. Just the occasional hints that things are not well, me feeling down.. but the fact is, most days in the past year and some have been really bad, and I've kept most of it in even when I am talking about how I don't feel well. Because it's been so much, and I just can't bare to release that burden onto other people. So now that things finally are starting to pick up for me, even if today isn't the greatest, I think part of my healing process should include trying to be honest with myself and break down these walls that I've put up in the past year. Break the bottle, and let things escape.. I can't keep holding onto my pain any more, especially when I should be healing and the pain should be gone.

That's enough for now I think.. thanks to everyone who's replied to my statistics poll. Still need 6 more responses, if there's anybody left.