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I suppose

I had a fairly good evening today. Not much to speak of, really. The best part, for me, was being able to discuss some ideas for the mini verse I'm intent on creating. And a little bit of fun overlooking a friend's comic bits. Helped out in a very minor way. Then, after he left, got around to extracting some frames of a sprite from an old game. Edited what I got of him, color wise. That's how sprite based comics work, generally. To start, at least.

So I've got a small sheet for "Gothim"--A gothic version of "Maxim" from Lufia 2. ::chuckle:: I plan on adding more once I finish extracting the spell casting frames. And then color editing them as well, of course.

I don't have any particular intent for it. But, it's fun in the meantime. Perhaps my friend can use them somehow. Or perhaps I can, who knows. I really do need something to do, these days. (Aside from the obvious.) Hum... I would prefer to get out more, though. Difficult to do, when about the only person who would ever get me out of the house is busy despising me, one way or another.

Which does make me wonder, sometimes.. if when we go through these periods of not talking to each other.. I wonder does she think that I do not love her...? Fool hearty, yes. Both should she think that, and for me to wonder about it. Still, who isn't curious when at odds with someone they love?

Ah, well. I suppose that bit came from the down side of the night. Experienced another one of those mental chaos bouts. Y'know, for a while I'd forgotten about them, consciously. They still happened, I realize, but I didn't pay them as much mind. I don't know if I got used to them, or they've lightened up.. Perhaps both, though I feel I'm leaning toward the latter.

Yes, definitely the latter, more so than the former. I remember a few months ago, when they were quite terrible... I couldn't think straight, I became an emotional and mental wreck.. I felt horrible, about everything. Every little thing that wasn't perfect in my life, current or past, plagued me like I was responsible for the sins of the world...

Strange, yes. Disturbing, more so. And of course, after everything that had happened in the recent past, my thoughts and feelings always turned to the one I love. I felt so guilty. So terribly guilty, and for reasons I didn't even understand, often enough. No, I'm not saying I was innocent in the relationship. Far from it, indeed. But I wasn't responsible for everything, certainly. She never respected me, after all. Never cared for my wishes, my feelings. So, it was indeed both our faults that things didn't turn out as either of us would have liked.

I think I'm rambling, again.. ::chuckle:: Well... Suffice it to say, a lot of emotional baggage was there only making matters worse. I suppose I've gotten over a lot of it, for the most part. Maybe that's why these 'episodes' aren't so strong any more. My point was, though, that even aside from all the faults on both sides of the relationship, I felt terrible for reasons I couldn't even explain, or fully understand. Even still, these days, my Soul longs for her. I am otherwise all right.. I've been surviving just fine without her in my life. Haven't been going through episodes of near psychosis from not having her near, as I once did. No break downs, and shakes or the like. Because I decided that truly, if someone's going to be so intent on seeing me as 'the bad guy,' they're really not worth my time in trying to make things better.. best to wait for her to come 'round. And I have perfect faith that we'll be in each other's lives once again. It's what we do. Call it a habit, and instinct, a link perhaps. Whichever. I've known for a long time now that we were bound to continue entering and exiting each other lives still further. It was one of many Truths that I've channeled in the past.

Anyway.. I can't seem to stop my speeches here. Always been a problem with me. ^*^ My point was.. I am no longer addicted to her, as I once was... But I do miss her, greatly. She is a terrible, mean, and hypocritical individual. But I love her with all my heart and Soul, and nothing will make me not want her in my life.

Here's to seeing you again, Sis
Under the Sun

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Gorotsuki Tenshi
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