A strong part of me is really hoping the Babesiosis test returns positive, just so I have an answer and something that can be treated which isn't directly involved in some major medical controversy. It's not something I'll be able to afford to treat on my own, but I'm hoping the diagnosis of something noncontroversial and expensive to treat, along with proof that I can't afford to fix it, will help me to qualify for Medicaid or disability or some sort of social program so I can get my life back on track.
The doctor assured me when I saw her that after 12 to 18 months of treatment, assuming Babesiosis is what I have, I should be able to live a normal life. There's no better thought for me than that. I have no great ambitions to change the world or create some monument to myself. I just want to love and be loved, do what work I'm capable of doing, and leave the world no worse a place than I entered. I really hope that if the test does return positive, a definitive treatment course prescribed by the doctor will demonstrate that I can become a working citizen again and that I should qualify for whatever medical programs exist to help me get that treatment.
If the tests return negative, I don't feel like I have any hope for survival or for ever being a real person again—because I can't afford to have any more tests done, and my unemployment benefits end in April.