December 3rd, 2001

lilga

Amiss

Not feeling quite right. Was earlier, for a bit...sort of. The familiarity of my old darkness, my calm friend, taking me away as it used to...But it was still different. It burned, somehow...that's what it felt like. A stinging sensation, almost.

For a breif period, however, it did feel quite familiar. Comfortably so. Though most might think it odd I find comfort in such a thing.. Indeed, most are terrified of things such as that. Still...it is a home to me. I reminds me of my truer self, who I was before all this mess. It is working...I feel I shall return to my own self soon enough. But there are still some things to be digested...

Things are odd, still. Odder even, in some ways. Two dear friends have parted ways...Diligant in keeping a friendship between them, but no longer romantically inclined.. And perhaps that shall change, some day. But then, that could just be that I can't imagine them separated. It's been so long with them together...I can't remember not knowing her, not knowing them as a couple...I mean, it's almost like the person he was before they were together was someone else. Not that she changed him. Just seems that...they are for each other. 'Tis odd to think of them as separate. But still, we move on..

I am to be introduced to a girl named Heather. She is a friend of a very dear friend of mine, Christopher. He--though not necessarily stable himself; certainly not one whom I'd consider of the general populous, or even fully sane--has proven to be a very stabilizing force in my life. Perhaps it is his utter neutrality, his way of being so laid back all the time. Still...He is a good friend, anyhow. He seems to try and wedge his way into this and that; become a part of something he isn't truly a part of. I suppose I can't really blame him; most people do that, in some way or another. But the fact is, he should be as he is, as I see it. It is better he remain separate from the rest of us, in that respect, so that he can have an outside view. And continue to act as a stabilizing force. He may not be bound to me, but he will always be a great friend.

Still, I digress. Heather was to be the point of topic. I do not actually know her. But since the separation of myself and Desire�, he has "threatened" to set us up, as a couple... ::chuckle:: Strange. Him playing the matchmaker. Regardless.. I do intend to meet her. I do not know that anything will come of it, in a romantic sense at least. I have not been myself, been far from stable lately. And though I am returning to better ground, I am not yet there. I will make sure she is fully aware of this. If she still wishes to make something of it...Well, we'll cross that path whence it intersects our current, mm? As I see it, I could certainly still appreciate a good friend. I've never been good at making friends. Never been the out-going type. It has been a long time since I've really made a new friend. I feel good about the prospect of meeting this person, however it should turn out.

I shall try and keep myself from simply leaping into a new relationship...Though at times, I wonder if that would be for the better. As the last I was separated from someone, I waited a full year and about a half before a new relationship began. Though then, that was due to going through two rather brief relationships prior. Rebounds are ugly...still. I am moving steadily onward...If something does come of this, I shall certainly do my best to make it worthwhile.

'Till the morrow...I should have already been in bed by now.
  • Current Music
    Jim Croce - Time in a bottle
lilga

Boundaries

Who can define the boundaries of love..? Mm...You know, I'd wanted to actually make an entry, tonight. Perhaps start using this journal regularly. I'm feeling so tired, now, though..

I have been thinking about that. I'm curious about this "love" thing, and how far it goes, what it means...How does one know what kind of love one feels? Usually, there is some indication...Some feeling there, to tell you what kind of love you feel for someone...But sometimes, it isn't so clear. A very dear friend of mine, one whom I have, and shall always, treasure...I cannot define my feelings for her. Sometimes, I want to think of her as a sister...But it isn't the same. It doesn't feel like that. At the same time it isn't merely a friendship, but also doesn't necessarily seem a romantic kind of love...It is just love, quite purely.

And, while I normally frustrate myself over not fully understanding something...This, this is different. It is that I love her, she loves me, and we both always shall treasure each other as the dearest of friends. There is a strange, but wondrous bond between us...I do not understand it, but I accept it quite fully, and need not worry about it's foundation being shook. It is pure...

Mm...'Tis an odd thing. I do love her enough, to do anything for her.. But, unlike in some situations, I have no troubles being a friend to her. I do not feel negative to consider that we may never have a romantic relationship, though I feel close enough to her for it. I don't know...I can just always imagine her in my arms, us holding each other, finding peace in one another...But not as lovers. I do not picture us kissing as lovers, or--heavens forbid--anything more. Fact is, I feel unclean even to note that I don't think such things. There is such a purity in her heart, in our bond. It is quite an incredible thing.

And at the same time, though I may question her, from a logical standpoint...Make sure she isn't simply acting on foolish desperation...I could not find myself turning her down, should she ever ask me..

Ah well...Solace is on its way. I move ever forward, sinking perhaps a bit here and there, but growing and learning and finding excitement about what's to come.

May the next find more answers...
  • Current Music
    Fates Warning - Still Remains