December 4th, 2001

lilga

Stuff..

Downloaded the full version of LiveJournal's client program, including spell check...yay...

You know, I make myself sick.. all the time. Can't stop thinking, just wish I could be shallow, not care about anything...I've been turning to my journal here more often, because I simply can't continue turning to my friends...All I can do is be negative, it seems. And I know it gets to them, as it gets to me.. They have their own troubles, they don't need to be dealing with mine. I try, I really try...It's just so difficult, and it shouldn't be, I feel, it just shouldn't be...

Emotions are a terrible thing. They strip you of your cold, clean, logical side...The side that always made sense, that never faltered, because there was nothing to fall over...I wish I could just go back.. Go back to being the me I was for a while. It was so much easier being nothing, in its own right...

I've been trying my best to turn away. Just forget it all, forget about her...But I can't forget. And I can't make my emotions turn away from it.

In a way, it seems, it would just be simpler to blame it all on myself, as I usually do.. Say I was the one who was all wrong, and mope for a while...eventually picking myself up to work past that, work to better myself, because I was wrong, and work for something new...Bring new hope into my life. That's how I got over Patty...That, and the fact that we remained friends, didn't continue to get at each other's throats when we broke up...

But it just isn't like that...The fact is, she's young inside...childish. Doesn't really know what she wants, what she feels...Sees everything on the surface, and goes by that...Can't look deeper, or maybe won't. Won't because she's afraid...I don't know. But the fact is, she doesn't love me...probably never did. And I won't say she didn't think she did...I'm not in her head, not now, I refuse to be...I can't, it just hurts more. But still...She doesn't really know, as I said, what she feels...She all too often mistakes her feelings for love. Hell, that's why she left me for Rick the first time...Feelings based on physical attraction led her to him.. And it was that I wouldn't put up with her clinging to his rear, that she dumped me...This time, it's Justin. Situation no different, save that we stayed together longer...That's the only real difference, that we stayed together longer...And in so doing, made it to the breaking point, where we both were suffering furiously..

But to think she doesn't love me...Never really loved me...At least not that she knew...That is what gets me. That I could love someone so much, and have nothing returned...Indeed, hatred and contempt for my feelings, returned...I just don't understand...I wish she could just wake up...Learn to be happy, learn to feel...Learn that there's no point in spite, in hatred. Learn that she can hurt people, that it happens, that everyone does it, and it doesn't make her any less of a person...That what makes her less of a person, is that she runs from the fact...Runs from everything, and hides in someone else, inevitably, leading them into the same pit of anger and despair...

I wish she could just learn...Learn what freedom's really like...That being free doesn't just mean her freedom...That she has to let those around her be free as well...That she has to take into consideration how others feel, or she won't have any true friends, as she doesn't now...None that she will acknowledge. Her true friends are the ones she's alienated, because they would express their feelings, that she has done wrong...They are her true friend, because they will admit that to her, and accept her anyway, try to help her through the situation, show her how she can fix things...But she won't listen. She just won't listen. If only that barrier of her's could be broken, and she could learn to see things from someone else's point of view...But unless that happens, she will never be happy, nor will I...
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