Gorotsuki Tenshi (aekiy) wrote,
Gorotsuki Tenshi

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Insecurity and things..

I've been feeling tormented all day about something.. and it's silly. I should be. Or, don't think I should be. Ah dunno..

Is hard to articulate, too. Am just.. mph.

Have been having a lot of issues with insecurity lately. Ah don't understand why people allow themselves to be so insecure.. Ah mean, it's understandable to an extent. It's a natural human emotion to feel insecure sometimes. With some people, it can get really drastic, though.

There's a point to which people's insecurity is a natural thing, and the occasional sympathy and comfort from another person can be really nice, and healthy for you. There's another point at which insecurity becomes a dangerous and ferocious animal, and it shouldn't be catered to when it comes to that, I think. Let the beast wear itself out, don't respond to it. That sorta thing.. and well, ah have catered to that beast some, and ah feel bad for it.

Just don't understand why some people allow their insecurities to go so far as to hurt other people by them. They feel so uncertain of themselves, that they lash out at other people. It's natural to react violently when being attack--but when attacking yourself, why lash out at someone else? And that's the problem.. insecurity is a personal attack on oneself. Why would you expect people to sympathize with you when you're so busy waging war on yourself?

Again, it comes to there being an acceptable level of this sort of thing, where it's pretty common to beat oneself up sometimes--a part of some sort of social conditioning, usually. But there's a difference between a light slap, or a little kick, and just plain pummeling oneself into the ground with a brick. Ah think when it gets to that point, its time for some introspection, ya? Ah dunno..

The biggest worry for me about posting something like this is that it might seem insulting. Ah don't want to be judgmental.. ah just worry about things, y'know? And about people.. well, mostly people. Things can kind of take care of themselves well enough, for the most part.  (^*^);  People are volatile. It's just.. mph.

Why? Why would you do that to yourself, and then take it out on others?

It usually comes down to a sense of ego, too.. Something that a lot of people probably have too much of, or too much concern over, maybe. Ah dunno.. just seems like that's the case. Seems like people want to feel good about themselves, and then come across something that doesn't make them feel good about themselves, and so they delve into the opposite and.. mrar.

People just get so wrapped up in themselves, seems like, that they don't understand that the things they're feeling aren't coming from other people--they only have themselves to blame. Expectations is a big part of it. How much sense does this make?

Person feels a certain way about Someone. Someone doesn't feel the same way, and just wants to be friends. Person pretends to be content with being just friends, and secretly harbors a huge dam of emotion. Person later attacks Someone out of insecurity, and based on the expectation that Someone certainly ought to be paying a lot more attention to Person in order to satiate their hunger for something more.

Person does not realize that this is wholly selfish, and does not involve Someone at all. It's just.. so saddening to be hated for wanting to be a friend.

Now.. this seems a little extreme. And it isn't like there's actual hatred involved at all. It's just that these feelings have been bothering me all day, and it needs to come out, mya. I fully recognize that Person is just very emotionally volatile, and that this was a temporary thing. It also really worries me though, that this sort of thing might happen again. And it makes it really difficult for me when thinking of / associating with that Person.

This is probably because of my own stresses too, though. Things start building up, and everything becomes more difficult somehow. Just have to work through things.. and unfortunately have the bad habit of distracting myself with busy work. (My brain gets all stiff from trying to do coding instead of dealing with my life situations, mya.)

So.. am trying to deal with things now. Work past things, instead of creating a dam myself. Am sorry if this sounds too harsh or anything.. is just me trying to actively work things out for myself, is all.

Ah still love you.. am just having trouble right now.

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